How many people live inside of your brain? How many mini-personalities reside there with the ability to impact your behavior in differing situations?
In my first foray into therapy at the age of 21, I discovered during hypnosis that there were five inside of me. Four I recognized when they appeared and was able to identify them. There was one that was a hidden little girl, full of pain, and fearful to expose herself in my personality. No wonder I was not familiar with her. The five have since melded into three, and I usually recognize what parts they play in my rather unorthodox life.
This may sound odd to many of you. I’m not schizophrenic, and these are not individuals with differing names. I’ve seen “The Three Faces of Eve.” Many times. Fascinating story which I’m not sure I believe. However, in my situation, these women inside of me likely came about to save my life during bad times, but the downside is they may have caused me more than a few bad times themselves. This is simply my way of looking at the different aspects of me- the parts who deal with different problems, people, and situations.
I am creative, responsible, determined, risk-taking, maternal, loyal, active, intellectual, demanding, difficult, angry, enthusiastic, disorganized, forgetful, goal-oriented, playful, and so much more. Many of these characteristics are part of each of the three personalities that reside inside of my head. Some more than others.
The first one is the little girl. In the past couple of years, I have not allowed her much playful time. She likes to take hikes, invite people over and to heck with the house, learn new games, paint, play with clay, get dirty, and generally behave like a 6-12 year old who just wants to have fun. I have neglected her terribly, and I plan to let her out more in 2010 – in fact, a lot. I think she is a very important component to my life and makeup and I believe I will be a lot happier with her release. I think she balances the responsible side greatly and helps me to feel that I am important.
The most out-there person is my responsible side. She is the one who says I’m sorry a lot, makes sure that everyone is well taken care of, extends compassion to others, spends too much time working in the house, and likely causes the little girl to hide. I think this person receives lots of feedback from others about how “good” she is, and that makes her want to dominate my world. She cooks (quite well actually) and loves to make others feel at home. What she also does is over-commit, and then resentment builds inside of her. She is often the angry person who feels taken advantage of – two sides of the same coin. Then again, maybe it is the little girl who gets angry because she too has to spend the time cleaning the kitchen, folding clothes, making beds, making plans, etc., etc., etc. Something to think about.
Finally, there is the professional woman. This is the one I wear easily. She can advise others, teach, write, and carry herself quite well. When she walks into a room, she can take charge fairly quickly (sometimes too much so), and make others feel important and interesting. She can be a lot of fun as well, but the downside of her is the alcohol. She likes to drink and release her feelings (are there any?) of inhibition. She doesn’t like for the maternal side to be in charge, because then she gets little attention. And she likes attention. What she doesn’t enjoy is being maternal.
I know may seem like an odd blog entry but I think it is mostly about my 2010 resolutions. Perhaps it will help you to think about the different people inside of you. Which ones are helpful, which ones cause pain, which ones need more outlets to make you feel whole. Maybe your little girl needs to come out and play more, too.
For that little girl, I’m going to concentrate on allowing her to come out and play more. With regard to the maternal side, I will make myself think twice – 24 hours? – before I allow her to over commit. She makes me nuts during Christmas. I will seek more opportunities for the professional woman to excel. I think that balances me much better, and perhaps will control the need for alcohol to calm me. Here’s to a more rounded 2010.