I lost my way this week. I mired down in negative thinking and worries. Suddenly, everything was about me. My son’s divorce and my grandson who is now living at a distance from me. My worries about the success — or lack of — with our business. My feelings of helplessness and concern. The world revolved around me and my problems.
This happens to me on occasion. The ability to transcend it, grow beyond it, wake up and smell the roses, depends on my own desire to focus on the positive. How much do I want to change my perspective?
I reached out to a few people. Shared my feelings of fear and worry. Thought and wrote of my feelings of over-achievement and the pressure I put on me to do that. I received some wonderful responses. And that makes me realize that I’ve developed some very strong relationships.
Going to the well to get emotional support means that you have established a well, dug it, maintained it. I have been digging this well consciously for a few years. I have worked to make others know how important they are to me, with written notes, emails, phone conversations, cards. I have tried with awareness to be there for the people I care about. It gave me back tons of support this week. I am so grateful for that and the willingness on my side to reach out for others.
I am not immune to depression. This week I felt smothered. But those who I’ve cared about let me know they also cared for me. That is a great gift, and I’m exceedingly thankful for the reciprocity that is involved in such relationships.
My oldest son suffers from borderline personality disorder. He isn’t the first, and will not be the last. I’ve done what I can to support him, but frankly, my efforts will now go toward my grandson, whom he appears to have abandoned. That is an early and scary analysis, and I so hope I’m wrong. Sometimes I do want so badly to be wrong. My grandson will not be the first to survive the divorce of his parents. I plan for him to do this knowing how much I love and support him. That will take energy.
I lost my confidence in my ability to teach. But I was reminded by a call from a guidance counselor of how much I care. I’m ready to get back in the saddle, and make some demands as well as encouraging responses. Confidence will return.
If you lose your way, it’s okay. Maybe it is a test. To see if you are paying attention to the path. Maybe I wasn’t paying enough attention, and maybe I was paying too much. Look for that light at the end of the tunnel. It isn’t always an approaching train. I am paying better attention now. And it isn’t all about me.