There are so many hurdles in life. Daily, hourly, sometimes moment-by-moment. Just pausing to rest a bit from the battles is vital to what sanity I feel like I have left. There is the great need I have to teach. I sometimes see it as more than a need. A drive that is bent on destruction if I don’t do what I feel like I’m led to do. However, the powers of the masters over my master’s seems equally determined to prevent me from doing what I most want to do. How do I deal with that never-ending group of hurdles that I see looming out in front of me heading to the horizon? This appears to be so unfair to me. Even writing that is as silly as reading it. Life isn’t fair. I know that. I also know there is more than one way to skin a cat – figuratively speaking.
I suppose what truly drives me crazy in this process is the lack of encouragement on the part of the academics who could offer so much. I am reminded of the freshman cadets of the Citadel. Are they forced to go through hazing simply because those before them had to endure it? I think (and this is a big “think”) it would be easier if I was 25. Even 35. But at the age of 57, that those in charge think I should continue to rewrite and rewrite is beyond absurd to me. New chapters, new theories, change, eliminate, do it again. Over and over and over. The frustration is close to burying me. But I’ve finally decided that a master’s from anywhere is better than enduring this longer. I can find a school where I don’t have to go the thesis route. It means more time, more expense, but the ability to get there is foreseeable. Looking at this through the lens of rewriting forever is blinding and unending, so I will not do that.
If you have the opportunity to encourage someone today on their life’s path, please do so. Please tell them that you admire their struggle to better themselves and that you get it that they are so determined to accomplish a goal. And please remind them, as I have attempted to remind many in my life, that “no” just means you can’t do it that way. There are many avenues to a goal.
The worst of this is questioning whether I am supposed to teach at all. I still don’t know the answer to that. I hope I will find out in this journey that has thrown me into such a tailspin. I don’t believe I’m out of it yet. But I know that I have a list of things to do to see what other pathways can get me to where I want to be. Mostly, I don’t want to be the oldest teacher teaching. I don’t really understand why that is such a bother to me. It simply is. And I accept that. So I will pursue the other pathways, and stop wondering why those who could help have chosen to hinder. Could be political, could be payback, could be complete disregard. It could be any number of things. The one thing I know is that it doesn’t have to control me.
Today, I will try not to be so sad about this. I will attempt to rise above the issues that don’t concern me, and get on the path once again. I will at least try.